The War For Harry's Heart
by Tortured Wings
Summary: Like the title! Lucius and Fenrir have a fight, arguing over who Harry deserves more, but who can win the poor boy's heart? OOC CRACK! SLASH!


**Hey Everyone! this idea came to my mind as me and my e-buddy Amy (**SciFiNerd92**) had a HILARIOUS conversation over MSN and I decided to make a tribute to it, and write some nonsense AKA CRACK!**  
**hope you like it :D**

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Harry was sitting alone in his room in Malfoy Manor, silently playing with his dolly house, pretending he was enjoying a perfectly normal childhood, none with arguments, fights or violence....just him and his mummy and daddy, laughing and smiling....

Until...

Lucius Malfoy, sexy blond and perfectly masculine in every way came bursting through the door.

"Harry, I require your manly services to suck me off right now!"

Harry looked up from the rug he was sitting on.

"Um...Maybe later...I'm a bit busy." Harry said, indicating his dolly house.

Lucius raised his eyebrows.

"Do you not find me attractive, Potter!?"

Lucius ripped his shirt off, revealing a delicious six pack for the world to see.

"Lucius, can you not?! I'm BUSY!" Harry yelled as he joined in with his dolls for a tea party.

Lucius sighed and sat down next to Potter, as he poured them fake tea and served them miniature cakes.

"Where did this come from?!" The man said.

Harry looked at Lucius.

"I got the dolls a few weeks ago...I like to pretend I'm them, and pretend I'm happy..."

Lucius disapproved of this non-manly activity.

He stood up and said

"I don't like these stupid little houses taking up room in MY MANOR!" Lucius said at the top of his voice.

Harry suddenly started to weep – weep like a bloody girl.

"I-I-it's not just me!" the boy cried. "DRACO PLAYS WITH THEM TOO!"

Lucius stared at the girly boy beneath his feet.

"D-Draco?" Lucius said, aghast. Not his own son!

"Yes!" The boy sobbed.

Lucius glared at Harry.

"Where is he?!" Lucius demanded.

Harry wiped his eyes.

"He's out on a date with Pansy."

Lucius went pale, and retched.

"P-Pansy?" He asked.

"Yeah, this girl he likes." Harry said.

Lucius gagged.

"A _GIRL!?_ HE'S S_TRAIGHT?!_ THAT'S SICK!" Lucius yelled.

Harry shrugged.

"Would you rather he went out with Hermione?" Harry asked the over-worked man. "I'd rather that..."

Lucius gritted his teeth.

"MY SON WILL NOT GO OUT WITH A MUDBLOOD!" He said, very, very loudly.

Harry started to cry.

"Don't call my friend a Mudblood!" Harry wailed.

Lucius rubbed his temples and sighed.

"Also I was meaning to ask you..." Harry started.

"Yes, Harry?"

"What are a hundred and fifty Rainbow edition Care Bears doing in your dressing cupboard?"

Lucius froze in his spot he was standing.

Harry grinned.

"A-And you know of this how?" Lucius said dangerously.

Harry was struggling to hold back his little fits of giggles.

"Well...I was kinda just looking around your room...for, um...more cakes...and then I tried your  
dresser...and the bears all tumbled onto my head...that's all I remember seeing as the mass amount knocked me senseless."

Lucius's temples were throbbing madly in fury.

"You're a fool, Potter! I don't keep the cream cakes in my dresser!"

Harry widened his eyes.

"Oh, I'm the fool?! I didn't subscribe to Care Bear Monthly! YES! I found the magazines too!"

Lucius was about to explode – his face was bright red.

"OH YEAH?! WELL ATLEAST I DONT HAVE A FETISH FOR THE DOLL HOUSES!" He said, as he kicked the doll house into bits.

Harry was clinging to Lucius around the waist to stop him from destroying his poor innocent doll houses anymore.

"IT'S BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD! I pretend I'm in there, having a normal, perfect upbringing... SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE!" The boy sobbed.

Lucius pulled the poor, sobbing boy off him.

"THAT'S IT! SHUT UP! You're making me look like some sort of a heartless, evil, Dark Wizard..."  
Harry raised his eyebrows.

"You kinda are when you're not with me..."

Lucius scoffed.

"AM NOT! Because I'm with you all the time, sexy boy..."

"NOT FOR LONG!" Said a voice.

Suddenly, out of bloody nowhere, Fenrir Greyback came bursting through the door. Harry swooned at the sight of the sexy werewolf...

"H-h-h-h-h-hiiiii Fenrir..." Harry said, as he blushed.

Lucius looked at Harry, then at Greyback, then at Harry again.

"You're not telling me...GOOD GOD??! YOU AND FENRIR!?!? THAT'S SICK!"

Harry stepped back.

"Yeah...Um, I'm kinda in a....sort of...um...oh god! FENRIR! HELP ME!"

Fenrir stepped forward and cuddled Harry.

"What Potter is trying to say, Ass-Wipe Malfoy, that he's in an _intimate relationship_ with me."

Lucius growled and said to the boy;

"Who do you want to be with Harry? Me, the sexy, great Lucius Malfoy, or the fugly, loser werewolf who smells of ass all the time? HUH? Tough choice..."

Harry bowed his head and shuffled his toes.

"Fenrir doesn't mock my dolls..." the boy said quietly.

Lucius sighed.

"Because they're GIRLY!" The man said.

Harry cried into Fenrir's, sexy, rock hard chest.

"Well I'm sorry!" The boy choked as Fenrir tried to comfort the boy. "I obviously can't be the manly man you want me to be!"

"I NEVER ASKED YOU TO!" Lucius shouted. "JUST BURN ALL THE DOLL HOUSES! I DEMAND YOU BURN THEM ALL!"

"I keep them out of the way!! I've tried hiding them! Obviously Draco took them out to play with them or something..."

Lucius growled at the pathetic boy.

"TERRIBLE EXCUSE, BOY! DRACO KEEPS HIS ROOM TIDY! AND HE NEVER LEAVES A SINGL PIECE OF DIRT LYING AROUND!"

"You can keep your dolls if you stay with me, Harry..." Fenrir said lovingly into Harry's ear.

Lucius sighed impatiently.

"Don't believe the bullshit he's making up, Harry." Lucius said. "We'll have happy gay sex everyday with your favourite fetishes included...none of this rough werewolf sex business...." he said, indicating Fenrir's claws.

"But Harry laiiikes that stuff..." Fenrir said.

"WE HAVENT DONE IT YET!"Harry yelled, flailing his arms around.

"You will like it..."Fenrir growled softly. "None of the poncy satin or silk covers or leather fetishes..."

Harry mumbled something.

"What's that, boy?"

"B-But what about my Cane fetish?" Harry said quietly. "I NEED A SNAKE CANE!"

"I'll use a stick." Fenrir purred.

"But it won't be the same! He needs me to hit him!" Lucius said. "Harry requires the manly touch."

Fenrir looked at Lucius.

"Oh yeah....Long blond hair is manly..."

Lucius glowered at the werewolf.

"It's DOWNRIGHT SEXY! No chest hair, no fucking putrid stench, six pack muscles, and I have big  
package deal mate, unlike yours..."

Fenrir scoffed.

"No chest hair?!That's womanly! MEN ARE SUPPOST TO! The stench is natural, not from wearing Eu Du Toilette perfume."

Lucius was about ready to explode now, he was shaking all over.

"Yeah well....the boy doesn't like being fucked like an animal!"

"HE DOES!" Fenrir said. "He loves the idea of being pinned down to a rock and being taken dryly...the man of a boy doesn't need lube, unlike you pussy ass-wipe..."

"DOES NOT! He doesn't need that! He likes being stricken with the cane, and the Kinbaku, and the public fetishes!"

"Wow...that's me down..." Fenrir said, looking at his feet.

After a few minutes of silence, the two men looked around the room.

"Where's Harry?!" Lucius. "WHERES MY HARRY!?"

"WHERES MY MATE GONE?!" Fenrir sobbed.

_Harry had subtly snuck out of the room to join his sexy potions professor, Snape, in a round of fun and games in the dungeons of Hogwarts, while leaving Lucius and Fenrir to fight over his non-existence._

** THE END!**  
**xxx**  
**:)**

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**I dont really like the ending...but it was the best I could do seeing as it's quite late at night, lol xD **

**Please, _Please_, PLEASE REVIEW! **


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